Indonesia: Life In The Islands

"There is a Land Called Passive Aggressiva..."

That’s a quote from Grey’s Anatomy, just in case you don’t watch the best show on TV. Dr. Shepherd is referring to his wife Addison. I’m referring to pretty much every Javanese person I know. It’s unbelievable the lengths people will go to in order to avoid a confrontation—but at the same time, they make sure you know they’re angry.

So in my previous entry, I talked about how Pak Teddy has clearly been not speaking to me and how he’s angry at me about the motorcycle. I mean, there’s no denying it. We used to speak several times a week; he’d give me rides places, pretty much daily contact. Since we had the pseudo-fight, not a single word from him other than a few threats. I say hello to him and he looks right through me. That is the silent treatment.

So today, Suharyadi sends me this text message: pak teddy wants to know why you did not go to his office today.
Me: was i supposed to?
Suharyadi: i don’t know, that is what he said, what do you think?
(This is classic. No one will say anything of any substance until I do. I decide to be a straight shooter)
Me: i think he is mad at me about the motorcycle because he has not talked to me in three weeks.
Suharyadi: he thinks you are sad and upset with him because you are ignoring him. why are you being this way?

I needed a few deep breaths before I answered that one.

Me: ok, well, i’m not, so i guess i will go to his office tomorrow?
No response.

Another example: Tia, a girl with vague ties to my neighbors, did my laundry for me once (she said her mother did laundry, I wasn’t asking random people to do it). She then charged me about 20 times the normal price and I felt too bad about having someone do my laundry to say no. She also borrowed my motorcycle for two days to do the laundry and threw about 200 miles on the odometer. I know for a fact she lives about 1 km away from my house. After an incredibly awkward scene where I paid her, her mother sat mutely and looked disapproving at the huge amount of money I gave them, and my shock at seeing the odometer of the motorbike, I just decided not to let Tia touch my stuff anymore. She must have felt the weirdness, it was definitely palpable. I saw her today for the first time in a few weeks.

Tia: Hi! So I will do your laundry today for you?
Me: um, no, I’m OK I do it myself now.
Tia: No, no I will come to your house now and get it.
Me: no, no, it’s OK I just cleaned it.
Tia: OK, but you will call only me when you want it done again, OK? Just me. Promise?
Me: mumbling something.
Tia: I was afraid to call you because I thought you did not like me.
Me: Why did you think that?
Tia: I don’t know, because you have not called me in so long and I thought we were friends.

Ah, the classic guilt trip.

Me: No, we’re friends.
Tia: OK so maybe next time I won’t be so scared of you.
Me: …sounds good?

When I have these conversations it’s like I’m outside my body watching, just shaking my head in disbelief. The female teachers at my school are the best at it. When I went to an English speaking conference a few weeks ago and missed classes (it was a requirement from AMINEF), I thought everything was OK. Then almost every teacher in the school came up to me and asked brightly how my “vacation” had been.

Ibu X: Oh, you must have had a nice vacation!
Me: It was an English teaching conference.
Ibu X: You know, no one else had a vacation last week (huge smile).
Me: Neither did I, it was not a vacation, I was working.

Ibu X claps me affectionately on the shoulder.

Ibu X: Such a lucky girl! So many vacations, never has to work to make money.

After a few of these conversaations, I just started agreeing with everyone that my vacation was great. When in Rome...or Passive Aggressiva.

posted by Caitlin @ 11:12 PM